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Good morning. Good evening. Good night. Good afternoon. This is I Will Not Lose Podcast with Tony Ortiz. We have a special guest in the building today. I'm here joined by Ryan. You're in for a good one. So let's get the paperwork out of the way.
shout out to my spotify listeners apple podcasts google podcast stitcher and youtube this is one
you definitely want to watch in thanks for giving a reason to get dressed coming live from my voice
to your phone computer headphones tv car stereo smartwatch could have been anywhere in the world
but we are here right now we're here ryan about to do this let's take a moment let's take a moment
to be present and recognize that it's now, right now. Whether you're right now is working, running,
exercising, cleaning, laying down. Let's be grateful we're alive. Failure can be frightening.
However, as Winston Churchill has reminded us, success is all about going from failure to failure
without losing enthusiasm. This is I Will Not Lose podcast where we set out to prove that everything
is learned from failure and we must persevere and recognize that we are one step closer to success.
i'm your host tony ortiz we're gonna jump right in man we got a very special guest ryan with us
here today uh he's agreed to come on have a conversation with me uh we have a special
relationship but there's things we don't know about each other and um i thought this would be a
pretty cool platform to get into it so i'll allow you to introduce yourself tell people a little bit
about what you are who you are and we'll go from there all right yeah i'm uh i'm ryan um
so i grew up around the redding area i moved up here a couple years ago um recently i've been
a direct support professional i help men with with uh disabilities and just issues mental health
issues and stuff like that um i live in the bryanixville area though but i'm uh yeah i'm uh
So I'm here to pretty much talk about my recovery.
I've been 17 months sober now.
Big shout out, man.
I'm going to actually throw some air horns in there.
Bing, bing, bing, bing.
Oh, congratulations, man.
Thanks, man.
Thanks.
Just one day is a big accomplishment, but you got 17 months, man.
It gets easier, man.
It does.
It does.
It's gotten easier over time.
And so I guess I'll dive into it.
Um, the reason I came on here, I wanted to talk about this is cause I feel like my story
can really help somebody.
And I want, I want people to know that you're not alone.
You know, that addiction and alcoholism, um, can really, really mess you up.
And, uh, I've become a whole new person.
Like I care about people, love people.
Um, 17 months, 18 months ago, I didn't, I was a victim.
I felt so bad for myself, but, uh, yeah, I'll kind of get down to it.
Um, I grew up in a Oli Valley, uh, it's like a country town outside Redding.
And, uh, anyway, I'll fast forward.
I grew up in a house where alcohol was kind of available, you know, and, um, it's, it's
not, has nothing to do with my parents, you know, like that's what they're used to.
They did a really good job raising me.
I didn't need for anything.
I didn't, you know, and, uh, eventually let's just get to the bad part.
um because i would rather talk about my recovery than my life but what happened is um so i had a
beautiful daughter three months old she's she's still alive had is a bad way to start i'm sorry
to uh um my addiction and my my alcoholism really got real bad about two years ago it's always been
a thing ever since i was 18 though you know there was there was the college party phase there was
the first time I smoked and, and I just wanted more and more and more and just wanted to
not think about anything. Um, and, uh, eventually I, uh, got into a car accident
with my daughter in the car. Yeah. She cracked her skull, um, concussion. But, uh, I remember
waking up cause I was blacked out and, um, I woke up and I saw this whole, you know, I was told,
i remember seeing my dad and be like i think i really messed up you know i was under all sorts
of different things i didn't even know i drove that's just how powerful alcohol and drugs can be
you know geez and uh you know this three little three old three-year-old little girl you know
that uh depended on me and everything and i wake i wake up i tell my dad i think i i think i did
something really bad. And he told me that Kay is in a coma. Um, her skull is cracked and that she's
just not doing well. And, uh, I remember just, that was the lowest of my life right there. I was
at a crossroads, you know, I was like, do I want, do I want to keep going? Or, you know, I was at a
crossroads and, uh, um, cause you know, you battle it for so long. I remember just drinking and
drugging for so long and just being like, I want to stop. I really want to stop. That's after the
bender. That's after the bad night of partying. I need to stop doing this. And then the evening
comes and I'm right back at it again. Something would happen in my mind that just something
happened that I couldn't stop. And I didn't know how to get help for it until something really bad
had to happen. So, um, she, uh, she ended up waking up, you know, and being in pretty rough
shape. And, uh, she had to go to a rehab, you know, physical rehab therapy for months. And then
she had to wear a helmet and, um, by God's grace, man, she's doing amazing, you know, but it took
a lot man i remember the first time i went in to see her um you know i broke my leg and broke my
ribs and had a concussion i was a mess too but yeah you know it was a shit yeah i'm sure you
probably wished for worse oh yeah yeah yeah oh man it ended up being a blessing to have my leg
broken though because i had to had to sit and be myself i had to sit with my thoughts i had
which is like a battleground bro you know it was a battleground for a long time but eventually
it really uh like i said i think it was a blessing for me to be there this was the biggest craziest
thing that ever happened my daughter she's doing great now how old is she now four of four and i'm
actually going to start getting supervised visitations with her again soon so thanks for
that man yeah man it's awesome it's you know i have a really bad time i get self-righteous
sometimes and i really want it now you know like she's my daughter yeah right and i get resentful
towards other people that are not allowing this to happen but i have to remember that they these
people saw her you know in a hospital bed tubes hooked up to her and they had to pretty much help
her until then they're gonna have a resentment towards me they're gonna be scared to let me see
them and it was hard dude it's still because you know i'm the man i'm that's my daughter yeah you
you did all this yeah you've earned it right right yeah and uh yeah oh man so what's going on with
the supervised visitation you just see her every other week for one hour and when i first heard
that i was mad you know i was mad about it uh but that's another thing i gotta humble myself man
and be like okay like i know what i did and i have to i have to accept that but um she's doing good
but i'll start talking about my journey a little bit um yeah please i uh went home after a month
in in rehab in the not not rehab not like you know drug and alcohol rehab yeah therapy therapy
yeah and i went home and i was by myself in my house and the house was i also have a stepdaughter
which i don't see much anymore now either she lived with me and you know you go home and you
have two little girls rooms empty it was like i said it was a mental battlefield bro and i was so
alone um and all i know how to do to when i'm feeling sad when i'm feeling angry was to do
drugs or drink because that's just how I've handled things. That's almost how I was taught
to handle things. And, uh, I started asking for help, man. I, I asked first thing I actually
asked for a social worker and she came out and she sat down and she's like, have you, uh,
have you considered getting help for your addiction? And so I started going on, on these
meetings um reaching out to people um people that have experienced alcoholism and addiction
and they loved me you know when i couldn't love myself i mean i was so down and out man like
you know my mom and my dad they were always going to be there for me and stuff but
my family and towards the end my friends were all people that drank and drugged like me too so
right they weren't really there and i don't know that i wanted them there either
but i mean i would i hope they're doing well but uh these people that i found this fellowship of
people helped me out um they loved me man and i started going and being with them and um i just
i just started to uh i mean take a second man yeah uh it was hard it was it was the hardest
thing but like i said i think me being stuck in the house with a broken leg i couldn't do nothing
you know i had to sit there and uh i started going to these meetings should i just say it's a.a
i'm sure i'm sure people can yeah put together but that's fine yeah all right yeah so i started
going to AA. Um, and, uh, I just one day at a time, man, just stayed sober one day at a time.
I started learning new things about myself, dug deeper into my problems. Um, I, uh, it was just
crazy, man. Cause I, when I was drinking and drugging, I was a very egotistical pride, too
much pride and, uh, self-righteous. Like I never wanted to be wrong. Um, and there's so many of
these these underlying issues for me i think made me drink as well like uh insecurities um
eventually i got sober sorry i'm fucking up fucking up how yeah there's no you're good man
all right you're good um yeah so uh i didn't see my daughter for a long time until recently
i'm going to start seeing her on april 7th at 11 a.m the first time i see her that's about
three weeks from now right time of recording oh man that's so awesome yeah yeah man i'm i'm super
excited um but back with my recovery you know it was one day at a time really um my uh i ended up
getting a sponsor and talking with him doing uh called him every single day at noon and this guy
was so cool like i just you know i talked to him about life and um sobriety sobriety yeah i'm
drawing a blank here man listen let me just let me let me pause you for a second what you're doing
is so unbelievably brave it's so unbelievably selfless you don't have anything to gain like
this is all for someone going through this someone who imagine if you heard a podcast and was like
wow there's some place i can get help before things got worse so congratulations to you
like and your bravery to be able to do that you don't want to we stop at any time but there's no
you're not given a speech i just want to remind you where you are you're in your friend's basement
right you know yeah like yeah i really just want to be able to come here and like tell people
dude that i if i would have heard a story similar to mine maybe before my accident maybe it would
have really rung a bell with me or something and maybe it wouldn't have but i just you know i want
people to know that, you know, you can get help and you don't have to live like that every day.
And, uh, you know, I never realized how bad it was while I was in it because I was so used to it,
but yeah, my whole perspective on everything changed. Like I said, one of the first things
I said, I was like, I love people now. Like I can see them for what, you know, like,
like there's people that i've met and so at six months of sobriety i got a job and i went into
the real world when i say the real world i was so used to talking to these people and that are
you know spiritual and and like loving and i felt like that was real life almost
i'm like that's funny yeah it's misleading yeah so you got a taste of the real world then
yeah six months in yeah i still on crutches and i got a job at a gas station right and uh
i needed to get out and do something you know i i snapped my femur in half so yeah i got a steel
rod in there now and the doctor told me that i'm not going to be able to shoot jump shots anymore
little does he know i've i was shooting last night bro
yeah i was probably like two for 20 but it's all good we'll work on that doctors love to tell you
what you're not going to be able to do for how long you're not going to be able to do it i mean
big shout out i know doctors they're not all terrible but yeah i i personally don't listen
to what they say when it comes to sports right they're just trying to yeah i said i listened to
what the trainer says i sit 20 minutes on and off i don't know if you can do that with a broken
femur i don't know man it's it's it's uh i definitely noticed i got two pins in my knee too
but uh i'm so lazy i didn't i didn't like go to physical therapy i didn't like i had a physical
therapist coming out every week at that time and he would give me like you come to my house
show me these papers he's like do this this and this i'm like yeah yeah yeah and then i never did
any of it and then i'm wondering why like my leg was messed up for a while but now i'm getting it
back i've been going to the gym that's another thing um i never was an exercise guy i played
sports when i was a kid i played basketball i was the fat kid that played basketball i was like a
zach randolph you know what i mean like i was all boxed out i was all power post moves and and then
i would get so resentful man towards the the coach because they make us run and i'm like you're
taking away the one good thing i'm at yeah right put me in for five minutes bro that's great oh man
but uh no you were telling me a bit in pre-show you lost some weight recently yeah 35 pounds i'm
at now oh man and yo you hooked me up with those smoothies bro that does work for you yeah i've
been substituting that i do i was every time i'm packing the spinach in the top i think of you like
shove as much as you can oh man shout out to the random post i read that on that always stuck for
me too i yep you gotta pack the spinach in as much as you can get right uh i don't do you know
the recipe off the top of your head no i haven't been doing it recently so you told me to get
ground flaxseed so i do a little scoop of that flaxseed and wheat germ yeah i didn't get that
yet but i do a protein powder because it's like a substitute for my meal and i i put that in there
yeah i was like 345 bro at my max weight i was i was like vince wilford wow yeah oh my gosh yeah
yeah i was feeling pretty bad but then after i quit it quit you know drugs and drinking and i
quit cigarettes i had this coping where i needed to cope still at night you need to eat ah i under
i i can relate no i'm not that i can relate i can empathize like i can yeah you just you
gotta replace it with like something mcdonald's became my thing and yeah yeah yeah i think
cutting out fast food so is a big one i don't know i've i've struggled with weight as well
um that smoothie that i gave you was something that i used to to lose weight and then i'm
recently this year off a bunch of weight but nothing is crazy as like um you know i was never
345 i mean that's that's uh that's up there bro i'm so proud of you that's a like a defensive
tackle on a three four defense i'm supposed to plug the run you know
hell yeah man swim yeah oh man but i'm super proud of you see i've only ever known you since
you've been in recovery yeah so this is all news to me like i have no idea dealing with that or
going through that stuff i've only ever known you as love you've only ever shown love to me so i
mean that's that's insane it's uh the transformation from how i felt before it was like i was trapped
you know i felt like i was trapped in this this light this cycle of life like with drugs and
alcohol and uh to be able to it's it's really unfortunate it had to lead to something like that
to happen for me to recognize it but now for me one i want to get back in my daughter's life
and i'll go to any length i have to do that and um you know i don't want to cause more problems
or you know like any of that but um it's changed everything like i'm a direct support professional
now and i help like i said i help men with disabilities um i love it man like i love
helping people now um helping people stay sober um being available for people that need help
or even preferably not if you need to be moved out of your house.
I don't like helping people move.
No moving?
No.
Keep that in mind.
But I will help you.
I'll help you, bro.
I got you.
Yeah.
But if you need someone to help move furniture.
But I think for my recovery, being selfless is the best medicine I've ever had.
I just want to help other people.
it gets me out of myself because the way my disease works is once i become selfish
fuck everybody it's all about me yeah so i love the whole like i'm not hurting anybody but myself
the justification it's like oh man you're hurting everybody but glad you were able to recognize that
what are some ways like you you said you wish you would have known you could have got help sooner
Or what, like, how can somebody get help if they're struggling with addiction?
For me, AA has been a huge thing.
You know, the anonymous programs.
I know I'm not supposed to promote it, but it's been a huge help for me.
Rehab.
I know nobody wants to go to rehab.
Yeah.
But if you can get 28 days to go there and they're just going to teach you the things
you need to know to move on in your life.
I read, so I've never been to rehab one time and it was back a month.
It was a month before COVID really started.
And I remember being in rehab, being at that low point, man, where I was just like, I can't
do this anymore.
Finally went and got help.
And, um, actually that's when Kobe Bryant passed away.
And I remember that piece.
I remember, I remember that whole place.
Just everybody couldn't believe it was real.
um the super bowl was going on around that time but then kovat started and uh went to rehab and
i learned a bunch of stuff i loved what i learned but i got out and i drank at somebody you know
did you yeah i was picked up my old resentful ways i didn't start i i didn't work the program
i went back out and uh was drinking and um made it a while and uh then this happened
for that i'm hoping to be a one-time relapser and uh because i can't go back out there for me
for me the alcoholic like me it's drink is to die and i if i decide to i think also
you know you see how many advertisements do you see for alcohol all the time everywhere right
all the time in fact i really hope they don't plug this episode watch we go viral there's a
ton of views and they all of a sudden the corona commercial comes on i don't think they could do
that on youtube but yeah if i monetize i can't control my ads they're everywhere all over the
internet billboards driving tv i mean i'm gonna mark this one for kids just no
but you were saying yeah the advertisement is everywhere yeah it's like you're groomed into it
it's normalized so much for me to just for everyone to drink um forget what point i was
getting at with this but uh yeah it's everywhere it is everywhere man and and uh what's crazy is
you know i mean i also got into harder stuff right but that harder stuff yeah i'd mess with
you a lot obviously but i've never blacked out on a lot of and the other things that i did
where alcohol you can become belligerent blackout and drive your car you know that stuff's crazy
but uh it's just out there and um it's not gonna go anywhere so gotta make some internal changes
and that's what i've been trying to do i work with people i have sponsees um we go we uh we go
i just like to go do things now active like because my life before i would um i never wanted
to go do anything i remember i used to love fishing as a kid yeah just this is just an example
i loved fishing so much going fishing paintball all these things but once you become an adult
and you're drinking this is how my my my mindset is and i know other people that would agree with
me you would rather just drink and talk about those things we should go we should go do that
sometime yeah yeah we should go fishing we should go do that and then when no one ends up going at
least that my friends and and the maybe the depression mixed in there i just didn't want
to go do stuff when i was drinking now i go on hikes um i just my whole life has changed in such
a drastic way i wish i could have did a podcast before of how i was so you guys podcast before
yeah like of like how i was when i was like addicted and drinking no we don't want to hear
that man we want this guy yeah we want this right right for sure you have so much to offer the world
you know what i mean rather than be selfish or in your own drunken stupor you can put something out
And look, I know we, everybody says, oh, if it just changes one person's life, like that
one person is real.
That one person is real.
They've reached out to me.
They've reached out to other creators.
I know, you know, we have all these channels for people to reach out directly.
So don't be surprised if someone reaches out, like you will hear from someone that just
has to thank you for them doing it.
It may not be right now.
It may be in a while, maybe a year from now.
somebody says hey man listen it's been a year since i had my last drink i i heard your podcast
and this is uh this is how i took it so i mean who knows and if not man i'm just glad that you
can get that off your chest man that's a lot yeah it's a lot it's definitely something that
changed my life in a whole different direction um i don't recommend it for people that are
struggling struggling to get to a point where you make a devastating like catastrophic event like
this and from what i've noticed a lot of the people i go to like a meetings every day i see
all sorts of different people what they're struggling with they call them high bottoms
they call them low bottoms but at the end of the day i don't really think there's a difference i
mean there's definitely a there is a difference but like if you've gotten to a point where you
can only handle i remember how i felt before the accident right miserable hopeless scared
angry and it doesn't matter at that point was my lowest right and i ended up getting into that
accident after obviously it was low but i don't you can have a high bottom but you could just
have had enough you know like yeah nothing around your world has been destroyed once once i got
sober my health has changed clarity mental clarity man like i i've never had it before like this you
you're always in a fog yeah yeah and uh i also have like a fast mind maybe an 80 undiagnosed
adhd or something maybe and um i've been able to sit down and read that is crazy for me man because
i could read out loud to you but i would never ever get like just read yeah oh man that's nuts
yeah my mind was so full of i have peace now you know started meditating the same recently yeah
every day or oh i'm trying dude it's not really my thing but i have i try to start my day off
with it and i do see the benefits of it you know i i even with the gym if i when i started going
to the gym my fat ass would go there for the for 10 minutes sometimes in the beginning and now i
go for like an hour i do a mile on the treadmill i do a different body part each day um and you
know it's a it's a cycle for me it starts slow and eventually it gets to a point where i'm doing good
and uh yeah man the progress man the progress it's insane you'll be seeing your daughter a
lot more than an hour every two weeks yeah you know you just gotta run with the system
you know they they go um you know there's the story's not about me but in legal trouble that
i've had before always tried to be accountable like look i did something to be here like it's
not the system's fault it's not these people and at least everybody that you know the people in
authority really respected that about me and it was complete they didn't make it a hard time for
me they didn't have to do any of that sort of stuff you know so it's it's uh it sucks that it
had to go through such lengths but i'm trying to think about all the positives out of it yeah you
know what i mean if something bad would have happened to your daughter would you really have
gotten sober that was one of the first things that i recognized in myself if that didn't happen and
it sounds selfish right a little bit and it's i don't like saying it but no i don't think that's
i i hear what you're saying it sounds selfish i disagree i i i hear what you're saying i mean
you got to find the light in it it could have been worse i think it give it's given me an opportunity
to change a lot of people lot people's lives and she turned out she's okay she's a beautiful little
girl man um but yeah so i'm gonna i want to start going to school soon to become a counselor
um and i get a certification also in one month i can become a certified recovery specialist when
you hit 18 months um you can be a certified recovery specialist i can work in rehabs and
just i want to spread the message man i want to dig you know dedicate my life to this kind of
stuff helping people um i have so much motivation now to do these kind of things um yeah um i'm
gonna get you i'm gonna get you podcasting yeah help you get the stuff to put together man because
you got a great voice for it sound comfortable i mean you have a message to spread so i mean
yeah i'll help in any way that i can definitely i'll order pizza no we're not we're not doing
that we're eating healthy i'm actually it's about noon right now we'll start landing the
plane here in a second and i'll go buy lunch you want to grab there's a nice place uh shout out to
union and finch and ed over there have you ever eaten at union and finch no oh man i'm gonna take
you there after here okay it's real good um the owner ed over there uh he's got a good place he
started they're like in our neighborhood we can walk there but he started a little bit before
corona and then shortened the menu up made it through corona and the places it's always packed
every time i go so um great brunch maybe what is it noon we could still probably get brunch
but um do you have anything you're promoting that you want to shout out now would be the time
do we follow you on twitter instagram do you have anything like that or i don't not yet
all right we'll get you set up yeah i i like i would love to uh just really just let people
know that you're not alone you know when it comes to sobriety you're getting sober and it's not as
bad as you think like i remember oh my god those people are sober they gotta be like they're like
has to suck like i don't know why my my mind always thought that there's a stigma behind um
there's definitely a stigma behind addicts and alcoholics i also would like to get rid of
you know um when i see someone on the street suffering um you know there's a lot of times
people would be like oh they should get up and go get a job and go work and do these things and
And it's not that simple. You don't know what's battlefields going on in that person's mind
that we just, we just don't know. And I just want to be an advocate for people
to be able to get recovered. If you use AA, if you use NA, if there's all sorts of ways to get
sober and stay sober. And, uh, I just want to be able to help people. So I'll try to get on
social media. I'll try to get stuff like that going. You'll help me out with that. I know
and uh yeah for now though that's probably it for now all right man well we have ryan on the show
complete complete absolute savagery completely brave to go out and put his uh business out there
and show you that it's about the experience strength and hope it's about who he is now
i've only ever known him and just learned some things about his past today so um big shout out
this is i will not lose podcasts where we explore stories of success learn from failure and prove
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